The Hired Hammer
by SergeantLuke
Summary: The Koopa Troop is suffering heavy losses at the hands of the incredible Mario Brothers. The Empire's only remaining hope is to hire a small team of expert soldiers-for-hire...
1. Kamek

The Hired Hammer

It was dark that day in Koopa City- but then again, it always was. Regardless of the weather in the world beyond, the dark magic that lay in the heart of the Koopa Empire made sure that the capitol city was gloomy and foreboding 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

The darkness kept the citizens subservient, filling them with fear and distrust, ensuring that there was no one who could dissent against the great King Bowser. There was no freedom in Koopa City- no art, no music, and nothing unique- every street and every building looked no different from any other.

On this day, down one of those identical streets, there trudged a major Koopa celebrity- the advisor to the Koopa King himself, Kamek. Not that anyone on the street acknowledged him, of course- he was known for always getting into "moods", and when he got into a "mood", there was no telling what he would do to anyone that crossed him.

Kamek was not happy. He couldn't be happy- not when King Bowser wasn't happy.

Everything had been going perfectly- the Koopa Troop had discovered a brand new land to crush and conquer, and had done so easily. The citizens of the "Mushroom Kingdom" (awful name, it simply had to be changed once they were done conquering it) were all either cowardly simpletons or traitors, and the ruling Princess of the land was locked away in the King's magnificent castle, where she would soon be forced to marry him. Kamek would have every reason to be happy- if not for one little problem.

Out of nowhere, as if from another world, two strange men appeared and began fighting back. The Koopa Troop, so mighty not a day beforehand, suddenly began facing massive setbacks- every day, the King and his General, Boom Boom, watched in horror as Koopa territory continued to be lost. Every fort that had been set up, every flagpole that bore the glorious Skull symbol of the Koopa Empire, was destroyed and sent back from whence they came.

The Koopas threw everything they had at the men. Soldiers, artillery, captured animals; you name it, the Koopas tried it, and they failed. Even Lakitu, the legendary soldier that had won countless battles beforehand, failed to set the foreigners back for long. There was no one in the entire Koopa Troop that had the ability to defeat these little nuisances.

And so, Kamek was forced to humiliate the entire army by venturing into the city to find someone who could.

He stopped outside of a building. There was only one thing special about it. It was entirely identical to every other building in the city, as was required, except for one small difference: above the door, in large letters, were the words HAMMER BROS., and below that in smaller letters, SOLDIERS FOR HIRE.

Kamek stood outside of the building with trepidation. _Maybe they're not home_, he thought to himself. _Maybe I can just walk right back to the castle and we can forget this whole idea!_

Kamek had been against the idea of hiring soldiers since the beginning. It was dishonorable to the Koopa Empire's history, he said. It sent the message to civilians and the enemy that the Koopa Troop wasn't as invincible as it claimed, he said. It wouldn't even work, he said. But the King refused to listen. He had to win this war, using any and all means necessary.

The Magikoopa sighed, walked up the steps, and knocked on the door.

To his surprise, opened a mere second after he took his fist off of it. Standing in front of him was a tall, imposing male Koopa, wearing a look on his face that could make even the bravest of men turn tail and run.

Kamek stammered, "Er… hello. My na-"

"I _know _who you are," said the Koopa.

Kamek jumped back. "Ugh… of course you do. I'm here to-"

"_I __**know**__ why you're here!" _shouted the Koopa.

Kamek was shocked once again. "H-How? Um… I want you-"

"_**I KNOW you need our help!"**_ screamed the Koopa, growing more and more impatient.

Kamek stammered, "W-W-Well, I wouldn't say… Uh, I, er, wouldn't say _help _exactly…"

"_**GET IN HERE!**_" the Koopa roared. He grasped Kamek's arm and violently threw him inside, slamming the door behind him. The spacious area inside was surprisingly empty, containing only a desk, a couch, a single poorly stocked bookshelf, a very large cupboard, and a set of stairs.

Kamek was indignant. "Watch what you do! I am the greatest wizard of all time! I could-"

"Aw, shut up, you washed up old coot!" interrupted the Koopa, once again. "Like I said, I know why you're here. I know 'cause all the news we've been watching says that the war is just going great and that all the problems are being 'dealt with'. You know what that REALLY means? It means that there are problems, _and they aren't being dealt with!"_

Kamek gulped. People were seeing through his foolproof propaganda? This wasn't good! "Yes, well, maybe everything really _is _alright, but… we just wanted you to _think _that everything wasn't? To… trick you?"

The Koopa scoffed.

Suddenly, a voice from upstairs spoke. "Hey, is that him, Spike? It's about time we had some action!"

Down came Iggy, the Koopa's (Spike) brother and partner. Iggy and Spike were identical in every singly way, from their faces down to the markings on their stomachs. Kamek suspected that this was somehow to their advantage.

"Yeah, it's him, Iggy. Seems the King finally had a bright idea and decided to hire us."

Kamek cleared his throat. "Yes, I'm afraid our army's been surprisingly unable to, ah, _negotiate _with this new threat. So, we sadly have no choice but to farm out our problems to a third party."

Iggy and Spike high-fived each other, as they always did when they had a new client.

Kamek continued, "I must warn you, you have no idea what you're really dealing with. These boys are like nothing we've ever seen before. They've taken down entire armies!"

The Hammer Brothers were unfazed. "Your army is nothing but a bunch of morons and cannon fodder!" said Iggy. "We're stronger than every one of them put together."

"No, no, I swear, they're lethal! Lakitu himself couldn't stop them! They dodged his spinies and stole his cloud!"

The duo couldn't care less. "Lakitu is nothing but a chump who gets lucky a lot. He couldn't hit the broad side of a barn if he was put up against us."

"W-well they ALSO defeated the clone of the King that we placed in a castle! Do you know what that means? It means that these two could defeat King Bowser himself!"

Still, the brothers were not alarmed. Iggy said, "The King is strong, yes, but (bless his heart) he's nothing but a big brute. We could outsmart him easily."

Kamek was getting nervous. These fellows sounded like they weren't going to back down. He had hoped that they'd chicken out, so that he could safely have an excuse to go back to the King and calmly explain that there were no takers for the offer, so sadly the Troop would have to defeat the enemy on their own, and _not_ dishonor thousands of years of military prowess by hiring assistance.

He tried once more, but only managed an "I-" before Spike cut in.

"Well, if we're going to take the job, we're going to need to get our equipment," he said.

"B-but-"

"Yeah, that's right," said Iggy. "Wait here, old man, you're going to love this."

The brothers stepped toward the cupboard on the other end of the room. They opened it, and inside were the greatest weapons ever known to Koopa kind.

Hammer Suits. Two-of-a-kind. They were equipped with an arsenal of weapons, most notably a set of huge hammers, to toss at one's enemies. The suits had three settings, "hammer", "boomerang", and "fire", which could be switched with the push of a button, and could be used for differing circumstances. The armor was nearly impenetrable, weak only to fire, other hammers, and attacks from below- thought the Hammer Brothers were sure that those situations wouldn't arise often enough to worry about them.

Iggy and Spike removed their suits from the cupboard and suited up.

Both the brothers and the suits look plenty intimidating by themselves, but with the formers wearing the latters they looked downright diabolical. Towering, bulky, dark, and wielding the most deadly looking weapons you could ever laid eyes on.

Kamek was left speechless at the sight.

"So, where'd you see these guys last?" asked Spike.

Kamek furrowed his brow. It looked like they were taking the job no matter what, by this point. "Around the area marked 'world 3-1', I believe."

"And what do they look like?"

"One, I believe is named "Mario", and he's very short, with a mustache and big blue eyes, and he's wearing either blue-on-red or red-on-blue... I can't remember. The other, what's-his-name, looks almost the same, except I THINK he's a little taller and wearing, er, green… or is it white? Oh, my memory's getting so fuzzy…"

Iggy condescendingly patted his hand on Kamek's shoulder. "Don't worry old man. We'll get 'em," he said with a grin. "You'll pay us once we've knock these two chumps into oblivion."

"Yeah," said Spike. "Those guys'll be chatting it up with the Star Spirits once we're done with them!"

The brothers turned to the door and exited the building. Kamek called after them, "Now be quick about it! His Majesty does not like to be kept waiting."

"And we," said the brothers in unison, "don't like to _keep _him waiting."

And with that, the Hammer Brothers set off on their assignment.

Whoever this "Mario" and his brother were, they were in for two nasty surprises.


	2. Lakitu

Elsewhere in Koopa City, there stood a fairly popular tavern, known as the Boom Boom Bar. The bar was named for Boom Boom, the General of the Koopa Troop, as it was federally mandated that all public buildings within the Koopa Kingdom be named after politicians. There were three other "Boom Boom Bars" in Koopa City alone- though this one was the most well known and most visited.

The bar was particularly packed on this night. Every table and barstool was occupied, and the employees were all working double their normal speed to compensate. If the tavern didn't receive a positive reception from every single customer, then the owners could very well lose the building. The government was _very _strict on keeping the Koopa citizens as content as possible.

One of the many patrons on this particular night was sitting at the far end of the bar, turned away from everyone else, and glaring at his untouched Tasty Tonic. Nobody else in the bar recognized him- and he hated that.

He wasn't just _any _ordinary Koopa! He was _Lakitu! _Legendary soldier! Three-time savior of the entire kingdom! Beloved by millions! Known to all! Why, just a few months ago, his face was plastered on every product imaginable! He seemed unstoppable!

But then came… those two.

Lakitu had never fought anyone as powerful or intelligent as the Mario brothers. They dodged everything he threw at them, guessed his every move, and outclassed him in every way. He had no idea what had even hit him, and in less than 3 minutes he was lying facedown on the ground, his Spinies scattered all around him, and his cloud stolen by those infernal men.

The King's response was immediate. Failure was not even slightly tolerated in the Koopa Troop. Lakitu was immediately stripped of all of his medals and dishonorably discharged; all Lakitu merchandise was yanked from store shelves, and forcibly recalled from anyone who happened to own any; and all propaganda featuring him was removed from circulation.

That was only a month ago, and somehow, absolutely everyone managed to forget about him entirely in that short time frame. What a joke.

"You feeling okay, sir?" asked a voice.

Lakitu slowly looked up from his drink, which he still hadn't touched. The voice belonged to Kent, the bartender. Kent had been working at the Boom Boom bar for quite a while, and Lakitu remembered him. The bartender did not return the feeling.

"Oy… I'm fine," Lakitu mumbled. "I just… this whole thing still sucks."

"What whole thing?"

"Oh… you wouldn't know. Probably wouldn't care either."

The bartender shrugged and turned his back on Lakitu. Just like everyone _else _in the entire damn world…

The rowdy bar suddenly quieted down somewhat. The boring game of Strikers that had been playing on TV had just ended (the Koopa Krew won 34-0, like always), and the Weekly News was the program that aired immediately after. The news was weekly rather than nightly in the Koopa Kingdom, to allow the studio to make proper edits and remove undesirable information.

The news anchors were two Koopas referred to as the "Hamma Brothers". Lakitu scoffed. Only a month ago, they were the _Lakitu _Brothers, and they had worn matching goggles and spiked hair, to look like the man himself. Of course, like everything else related to Lakitu, this was no longer the case- now, they wore silly looking helmets and had placed what looked like a black sheet over their shells. And somehow, absolutely nobody noticed or cared about the switch.

"Oh boy, here it comes!" exclaimed a Koopa near Lakitu. He was drunk, but then again everyone in the bar was drunk except for Lakitu. "Remember the cipher, everybody!"

One of the "Hamma" Brothers took center stage, supposedly reporting live from the field of a recent battle- though it was obviously a green screen. "As always, the Koopa Troop has had a glorious battle on this day! The enemy has been pushed further back, and we are closer than ever to claiming Toad Town!"

"_YOU BLEW IT!" _shouted the entire bar in unison.

The Sledge continued: "Official sources estimate that only about 30 members of the Troop were lost, a completely insignificant number…"

"We lost a good 30,000!" shouted one Koopa near the back.

"There was still no sign of the two mysterious enemies that first struck a few months ago. We have reason to believe that they are gone for good!" exclaimed the Sledge, in a manner that seemed very rehearsed.

"I bet those two took 'em AALLLLL out!" remarked another Koopa.

And so it went on- the "Hammas" said one thing, and the viewers fired back with what they "really" meant. It was a game that was played every week at the Boom Boom. It was a dangerous game- political disrespect of that sort could get you a prison sentence- but the patrons were too drunk, and Lakitu too bitter, to care. If he was thrown in a rotting cell, at least it meant _somebody_ knew about something he did, even if that something was just sitting in a bar while the people around him cracked harmless jokes.

The ex-soldier sat sulking for a while, ignoring his surroundings, until one small piece of information suddenly piqued his interest:

On the screen was a pair of tough-looking Koopas, wearing intimidating suits of armor, and each wielding a very large sledgehammer. The suits of armor vaguely resembled the costumes that the Hamma brothers were wearing. A voiceover of one of the Hammas was saying:

"The wise General Boom Boom has added two new elite soldiers to his ranks: the former mercenaries, the Hammer Brothers. As you can see, we at the Weekly Koopa News have updated our uniforms and names to properly reflect the certain star power of these two soldiers. The heads of the Koopa Troop are all confident that these two will serve our empire well!"

The bar erupted with laughter and snide comments again. "Let me guess, you hired 'em to snuff out those two guys that you said you got rid of?" "Who here bets that they get fired in just one week?" "I'm betting five days!" "Hey, "I bet that those bad guys are gonna straight-up _kill _them!"

Lakitu rolled his eyes and went back to staring at his drink- but then he heard one word he thought he'd never hear again.

One of the many drunk Koopas babbled, "Look ol' Boomy-Boom, if **LAKITU **couldn't beat them, nobody can!"

Lakitu was on his feet immediately. Who had said it? Who remembered him?

"Hey, shut up man! You know we ain't supposed to talk about him!"

_Not-supposed-to-talk-about-him? _What on earth were they going on about?

"WHY NOT?" Lakitu screamed aloud, only half intentionally.

The bar fell silent for a moment. Then it absolutely erupted.

"Hey! It's Lakitu! Holy crap!" "Lakky! I'm your biggest fan! Could I have your autograph?" "I can't believe it's him!" "Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! We could get in deep doo-doo for this!" "Aw, who cares about some stupid law?" "Lak-man, I still believe in you!"

Lakitu couldn't believe his ears. _Nobody _had forgotten him. Every single Koopa who was in the bar- a bar that was _filled to its maximum capacity- _immediately recognized him the very moment they saw him. Why did he never see such excitement when he was walking through the streets? And what was this about a law-

Oh… oh, of _course. _It was all so simple.

The government hadn't managed to make everyone forget about Lakitu. That couldn't be possible. Instead, they must have bullied the populace into just pretending he never existed. But to what end? _Everybody _knew whom he was- it's not like pretending he was never there could make anyone actually begin to think that way. There was only one reason he could think of: to break his own spirit. To make the Great Lakitu see himself as a failure, and never try to interfere with the plans of the army that humiliated him.

Well, he'd figured them out. Of course he had, he was Lakitu, the greatest Troopa that ever lived! He knew all about their plan now, and he wasn't going to let them win! Why, he'd find those Mario brothers all on his own, and this time he'd stop them! And he'd make sure that those "Hammer Brothers" never even laid their eyes on him!

God, he was such a _total genius!_

Lakitu grabbed the nearest patron by the shoulders and shoved her into his face. She began to say something- it sounded like she was drunkenly hitting on him- but he ignored her words and talked over them.

"Listen here, young madam," he said, adopting the "heroic" voice that he once used when speaking to his fans, "I need to know the location of these 'Hammer Brothers'. Do you have any idea where they are?"

"Uh… Oh yeaaaah, I *hic* tooooootally saw 'em," slurred the Koopa. "They *hic* they arrrre over on *hic* Cackletta St. Y-y-you can't miss 'em!" She gave a wide, dazed grin.

"THANK YOU, KIND CITIZEN!" Lakitu bellowed overzealously. He gave her a quick smooch on the beak before rather hastily putting her down. The girl muttered to nobody, "huh huh… Lakitu kissed meeeeee…"

Lakitu dashed out of the Boom Boom Bar with a flair that was typical of his glory days. Behind him, the completely hammered patrons yelled sincere, loving goodbyes, and "well wishes" for the mission that they didn't even know he was on.

Lakitu ignored them. He didn't care about anyone but himself now. The King and Kingdom that he'd loyally served for years had completely betrayed him, and now that he had the perfect way to exact revenge, the only thing on his mind anymore was his next move. His first stop: the Hammer Brothers' main headquarters.


	3. BoomBoom

_Author's Note: Sorry for the major delay! From now on there'll be a new chapter every Monday._

General Boom-Boom wasn't used to failure. Throughout his military career, the glorious Koopa Troop had marched across entire nations with minimal resistance. They had never lost a war in recorded history. They seemed unstoppable.

Yet when Boom-Boom saw the daily results of the battles recently fought, there was only one word to describe them: failures.

How could this have happened? Two utter nobodies from some other dimension, crushing waves and waves of brave soldiers beneath their feet? How was it possible? There was little data to explain any of it- nearly every soldier who directly went up against them was killed, so the only available evidence that these Mario brothers even existed was from the descriptions of their only two living opponents: the disgraced "hero" Lakitu, and some lucky punk of a recruit, named Koops.

"Uh... Mr. Boom-Boom sir, could I come in?" asked a voice.

Ugh. Here was that punk now.

"Yes, Koops, what is it?"

"Well, um, you see, I'm kind of hungry, and the fridge in my room-"

"Am I _really_ the person to ask about this?"

Koops gave a frightened little squeak. "Um- no- er- I'll just- like- go down into the kitchen! B-b-bye!" He dashed out of Boom-Boom's office at a rather impressive speed.

Boom-Boom sighed. What a timid little moron.

Koops was considered to be an important asset by the King, and the General had no idea why. Aside from their names and a very limited physical description, Koops knew absolutely nothing about the Mario brothers, and thanks to the nature of his wound- a bump on the head- he could barely even remember how he encountered them. His story changed every time he told it, and none of the versions he told appeared to be the truth. All of the stories contained bizarre, almost nonsensical elements to them, such as the Mario Brothers having blue skin, Troopas that died years ago being in Koops' battalion, impossible and nonexistent weapons being used, and other such things. Koops knew the names and clothing of the Mario brothers, but otherwise he was entirely worthless.

Boom-Boom suspected King Bowser only kept him around as some sort of example. "If this little wuss can be so helpful, then so can you!"

Boom-Boom looked back at the casualty data and gave a long, heavy sigh. At this rate, the Troop would be forced to pull out. Their only hope now were those Hammer Brothers, and the General had his doubts-

The buzzer on his wrist began to beep and flash. Ah! Speak of the devil.

Boom-Boom pressed the green "answer" button on his wrist phone, and from the other end came the gravelly voice of Iggy Hammer.

"Yo Booms! It's the Hammer brothers! We're calling to give that daily update you wanted?"

"Yes, yes," answered the General. "Now, Iggy, my boy. It's been nearly three days now. Are you sure there is absolutely no sign of them?"

"Nuh-uh, nothin'. These guys must not move very fast. Either that or we missed 'em... you want us to move further up?"

"No, they're definitely still on their way. We'd have known if any battalions past your camp had been attacked. Is there anything that you need?"

"Well... We DO have these Sledge brand hammers that can, like, break through armor. They're stronger than the ones we got, but way heavier, so we couldn't bring them. You mind having some of your guys bring 'em over?"

Boom-Boom adopted a generous tone of voice. "Absolutely. Anything for you." He hung up, adding after doing so, "you'll need all the help you can get."

He had another call. He saw that it was from Lulu, the head of the Junior Jugems (formerly the Junior Lakitus, before... you know). The Junior Jugems rode clouds, making them perfect delivery boys- in fact, Lulu was just the kid Boom-Boom was planning to call.

"Lulu! Why, I was just about to call you."

"General-"

"Listen, I need you to go to the Hammer Brothers' headquarters and get their Sledge hammers for them. Can you do that?"

"W-well, I'm kind of already there..."

"Excellent! Now get right on that!"

"No, I can't! That's just it! The whole place ha been ransacked! Everything's gone! That's why I called!"

Boom-Boom was flabbergasted. "Gone? Everything? Gone?"

"Everything! There's nothing left! Everything's been stolen by... never mind."

The General entered into his 'command mode.'

"Young soldier," he growled, "you will tell me who destroyed the base of our most valuable assets, or you will be heavily disciplined by a certain friend of mine!"

"AIEEEE! Fine! I... I'll send you a picture!" Lulu's voice began to fearfully lower in pitch and volume. "Please don't be too mad..."

The screen on Boom-Boom's computer crackled to life.

The picture that Lulu had sent showed the Hammer Brothers headquarters in utter disarray. Furniture was strewn about all over the place, the wallpaper was partially torn off, paint littered the floor, and most damning of all: right in the center of the picture, on a wall, were the words:

LAKITU WAS HERE

COME AND GET ME!

Boom-Boom grit his teeth. It took all his strength to not scream aloud in rage. That little freak! So, he thought he was getting his revenge, hmmm? Well, they'll show him to mess with the Koopa Troop! Lakitu didn't realize that they still had that tracking device on him- In fact… yes… the General knew just who he'd send…

"Oh, Koops?" he called out.

"Uh, yes, General?" Koops' voice responded from downstairs. Boom-Boom heard him bound upstairs, and grit his teeth as the young Koopa crashed into several no-doubt-expensive statues of their King. Boom-Boom couldn't wait to be rid of him.

"Listen, little one. I have something I need you to do for me…" The General pulled down a hidden screen from the ceiling, which crackled to life and revealed a map of Koopa City. Boom-Boom touched a few buttons on the screen, resulting in the map zooming in on a small dot labeled "LAKITU". He pointed to it.

"This is the location of someone we're looking for, and I need you to find him for me. But that shouldn't be a problem, with such a big strong hero as yourself, right?"

"Ah-uh-er—y-y-Yes sir! I-I'll go!"

"Excellent. You'll leave immediately." He took out a small tablet, which contained a smaller version of the map. "Take this with you. Now get out of my sight- er, I mean, now go and impress me!"

Koops ran off without saying another word, obviously very nervous.

Well, good. Let him be nervous. Maybe he'll be so nervous he'll swear off the Koopa Troop, and leave Boom-Boom in peace. Or maybe he'll catch Lakitu before he becomes a real problem.

Whatever the result, this would all work in his favor. Or, the Troop's favor. Did it really matter? As long as _something _would go right for once.


	4. Kammy

_Author's Note: I know, I know, I know! I'm another 2 months late. I swear I really will update more often from now on, but I won't commit to any specific days, because I now know that I'll never make them._

"Larry, stop! Morton, get down from there! NO! Wendy, _don't drink that! _Oh, Lemmy, Iggy, do your old nanny a favor and just sit down…"

Kammy Koopa hadn't enjoyed herself in quite some time. Once, so many moons ago, she had been a powerful magikoopa, working together with her brother Kamek to bring ruin to all of King Bowser's enemies. But did he ever give her so much as a thank-you note? Nope!

As soon as his 7 little monsters were born, Kammy was thrown out of the magic business and forced to look after them whenever he was busy- and he was almost _always _busy! And of course, just her luck, the rotten brats never listened to a thing she said, and got into everything, breaking whatever they got their hands on! The King would always come home angry and never once gave a kind word- to her, the very Koopa that once helped raise him!

After years of putting up with Bowser's children, Bowser's home, and Bowser's general nonsense, Kammy had grown convinced that she would never get to use her abilities ever again. But she was wrong- and she didn't know it yet, but she'd soon wish that she was right.

Just as Kammy was finished prying little Ludwig from the underside of the pantry's top shelf, there was a knock at the door. Momentarily leaving the children alone, and praying that they wouldn't destroy anything, the magikoopa went to answer it.

Standing before her was- a Troopa!

Oh my! She hadn't seen one in a _long _time! And their uniform hadn't changed a bit, wow! Well, it wasn't much of a uniform, just their shells painted different colors, but still!

"Oh! May I help you?" asked Kammy in excitement.

The Troopa responded, "Yes, ma'am. I've been asked to relieve you of your, uh, babysitting duties for the time being. Your presence is needed on the battlefield."

The magikoopa beamed from ear to ear, and screamed, "REALLY?"

"Ah! Yes, ma'am, it's around this location-"

Before the Troopa could even further respond, Kammy had grabbed her broom and scepter and had flown out her window, toward a point on a map that he had only seen for about two seconds. She was good at that.

The Troopa looked at the open window. Then he looked at the door he had entered from. Then he looked at the tremendous mess in the room, and the seven terrible toddlers that we're causing it.

And he said to himself, "I hate my life."

Kammy cackled loudly as she flew through the skies. At last! The King had finally come to his senses and decide to put his faithful Magikoopa to good use. Why, she could already imagine the looks on her enemies' faces when they saw her diving in, ready to blast them to smitheree-

...Wait... What was this?

This was the place that the site directed her to, but... it didn't look anything like a battlefield. It looked like something had already gone down.

Several buildings were badly charred, and one had completely toppled. There were miscellaneous objects strewn about everywhere-

office supplies, books, computers, that sort of thing. In the middle of all this kerfuffle was a crater about twice the size of a Koopa, and in the center of the crater *was* a Koopa. He was totally trapped underneath some rubble, and wasn't moving- though Kammy could tell he was still alive. There were a bunch of other Koopas around him, trying to dig him out and clean up the surrounding area. They looked like-

No.

Oh, no.

This couldn't be what was happening.

It was a misunderstanding. She misunderstood. Or maybe THEY misunderstood. But this couldn't be what it looked like. There was no way-

"Ah! Kammy! Thank goodness you're here!" shouted one Koopa, apparently the one in charge. He seemed to recognize Kammy, but she had no idea who he was. She never could tell all these people apart.

"What is the meaning of this?" she shouted. "Don't you dare tell me that the King has reduced the great Kammy Koopa to a mere paramedic!"

"Weeeeeellll... that's basically what this is, madam. Koops here has gotten trapped under all this rubble and we think you could help him better than we could. What do you say?"

Kammy had plenty of things to say. She wanted to say that this was a disgrace. She wanted to say that she would never stoop so low. She wanted to say that she was a destroyer, not a fixer- but she knew it was all no use. King Bowser's word was law. She'd either do the job, or never be heard from again.

And hey... at least she'd be away from those damned Koopalings for a while.

"Sigh... Very well," she muttered. "What do you need me to do?"

To her shock, the rescue team began to pack up. The leader said, "Oh, just dig him out with your magic and fix things up. Not hard, right?"

What? No, it certainly WAS hard! Magic was more than just waving a wand and making things fix themselves! So much work was involved! It'd take her hours!

But it was no use arguing- the rescue team had already driven away.

Kammy groaned. She looked at the rescuers, as they drove away. Then she looked at the wreckage she was being asked to fix. Then she looked at the unconscious Koopa in the crater, no doubt the cause of this whole mess.

And she said to herself, "I hate my life."


	5. Koops

Koops was unconscious. His head had another bump on it- the third one this month. His little spat with the Mario Brothers definitely wasn't the first time his noggin had been knocked.

At that moment, he was dreaming of the Mario Brothers. Well, maybe... He was definitely dreaming about brothers. There *were* two of them, and they *did* wear matching outfits. That was all he really could remember about the Mario Brothers anyway. He was pretty sure they were tall and wore scary black armor, too, or at least, that's how he remembered them at the moment.

There was a really big load on him. It felt like he was getting squashed by a bunch of big blocks. But just that moment, it didn't hurt as much. One of the blocks must have been picked up.

He'd found the Mario Brothers (it *was* them, right?) in the middle of town square. They were all tied up, and somebody was sitting in an airplane, or something that flew, and yelling things. Koops thought he recognized the person, but maybe he didn't. They were yelling about how the Mario Brothers had failed, but they said it like it was terrible, wouldn't that be a good thing?

The load got lifted a little more. Koops started to wake up, just a little.

It's funny, the person in the flying thing said something very strange. They said that the Mario Brothers had lost to the Mario Brothers! But that would be crazy, how could they lose to themselves? It WAS them, right?

By this point, Koops merely felt as if he was covered by some very thick blankets.

Say... there were police there. And they were shouting at the person in the flying thing- the *cloud*! It was a cloud. They were telling him... yeah, it was a him. They were telling him that he was under arrest, and then they rescued the Mario Brothers- so, no, it couldn't have been the Mario Brothers at all!

Koops was wide awake now, and he could see the light coming out from the rest of the rubble. His memory was coming back, too.

There was a big fight. Koops got wrapped into it. The guy on the cloud started throwing things, and the not-Mario Brothers started waving sticks around, and things started to blow up. The police and the cloud guy all ran away, and Koops got squished, and the brothers... The brothers...

The HAMMER Brothers!

Koops immediately jumped out of his hold and shouted, "The Hammer Brothers! I gotta find them!"

The only person around was a Koopa that was wearing a big coat of some sort. More like robes, actually. Say- it was Kamek!

No, wait. It wasn't Kamek. This person was wearing purple. Kamek wore green, right?

Kamek, or whoever, didn't look too happy. She gave a big frown and said, "Stupid boy! I spend half an hour digging you out of this hole and you start talking about another one of our stupid soldiers?"

Koops just kept on talking. "They're in trouble! The cloud guy's on their tail and the Marios are coming!"

"I am Kammy Koopa!" said Koops' rescuer. "I've already been degraded enough by being forced to dig you out! I'm not about to go on some wild goose chase just to search for a few heroes-for-hire that could probably help themselves!"

Koops was beside himself. "No, no! You don't get it! The General wanted me to do this! He asked me to look for that guy with the cloud, and I found him, and I think he's trying to kill them! If we don't-"

"ENOUGH!" cried Kammy. "I'm through with you! I've dug you out, as asked, and now I'm going HOME!"

With that, she got on her broom and was about to fly away... but instead, she stayed on it, motionless, for a very long time. After a long, long thought, she turned to him and said, "Oh... oh, why not? I've nothing better to do. Hop on, little one." She scooted forward on the broom and motioned to Koops to fill the empty space. He hopped on, quite excited.

"Okay! They went, uh... That way, I think!" Koops pointed in the direction he was pretty sure the Hammer Brothers had gone, probably.

Kammy lifted off and, with a cackle from both of them, flew into the skies.


	6. Iggy & Spike

Iggy and Spike stumbled through the barren landscape of the Koopahari Desert, doing their best to move somewhat quickly. This was no small task, for them. The brothers were exhausted and dehydrated. They had been out in the desert for hours, searching desperately for even a small sign of the Mario's whereabouts- or, at least, civilization.

Iggy stopped to rest on a large rock, which was surrounded by rocks, which was surrounded by other rocks (and sand). He sighed. Iggy never sighed.

He said, "This could've gone better than it's been going."

Spike, who was sitting below, spat on the ground. His mouth was so dry that it hurt to spit, but he didn't give a damn. "Yeah, we'd be back home, enjoying our big fat paycheck... But that LAKITU had to go and screw it all up!"

Iggy weakly waved his fist in the air. "I mean WE HAD 'EM!" He tried to stomp the ground, but it was really more of a soft step. It also caused him to lose his balance, sending him falling off the rock to the ground.

"Uh, need help?" Asked Spike, reaching out his hand to his grounded brother. Normally he didn't do that, but he was tired and wasn't thinking straight. Iggy ignored him. After trying to get up for a few minutes, he decided to just lay there. He continued.

"We... Had 'em! If Lakitu hadn't shown up, we- we would have beaten those Mario brothers!"

Spike agreed. "Yeah. Not like the last time..."

"Well-"

"Or... Times," Spike mumbled. He was barely keeping steady.

"We were getting better!" Iggy protested. "The second time I almost hit the green guy. And the third time you managed to get a shot in at the red one! Didn't... y'know... didn't HURT him, but..."

Iggy struggled some more. He finally managed to get up on his knees. Up the rock he crawled again.

"Hey," called Spike, "see if you can find their tracks while you're up there."

"Right, right, whatever," said Iggy. It took him five minutes, but he did manage to reach the top. He idly skimmed over the landscape.

"You know," he mumbled, "once you get past the whole 'totally empty desert' thing, this place isn't so..."

His face fell. His eye widened.

"What is it?" asked Spike.

Iggy pointed down to the ground, then out to the horizon. Then again. And again. Spike walked to the other side of the rock to see.

Across the desert, in the direction Iggy was pointing, lay Koopa City. It was very faint, but visible.

On the ground, were two small pairs of footprints. Unmistakably, the Mario brothers'.

The footprints stretched out into the horizon with no end point in sight. Wherever they were, the Mario's were far clear of the Hammers, and had almost reached the city, Bowser's castle, and the Princess.

Iggy and Spike took of running without a word or even a glance from either of them. Iggy nearly even forgot his hammer.

Neither of them noticed the flying broomstick, with two passengers, whizzing above their heads, past them. So neither of them knew about the vengeful Koopa, about a mile away from them, coming to sabotage their mission.


	7. General Guy

General Guy stood rigid in the middle of his headquarters. He was doing nothing.

The captain of Bowser's castle guard was almost always doing nothing. Bowser's castle was never attacked, so he was never needed. While his guards spent their time lazing around, chatting and playing the same card games over and over, Guy stuck to the method that his years of training taught him: to stand still, in a single spot, until his help was necessary.

It'd be a lie to say that he was bored- he wasn't. He wasn't ever bored. He just was never very interested in doing anything that wasn't necessary. Or saying anything that wasn't necessary. Or thinking about anything that wasn't necessary.

If you looked up "passive" in a Koopa Kingdom-published dictionary, you would literally find a picture of General Guy.

That's why he had himself and his guards wear a dull, nondescript mask. That's why he had no trouble surrendering to the Koopas when the Troop invaded his country. That's why he was a-OK with his army becoming the guards for Bowser's castles. That's why he didn't have a problem with the Koopas nicknaming them "Shy Guys". That's why he always just stood idle, in the middle of HQ, until something went wrong.

Suddenly, an ear-piercing siren began to sound throughout the entire castle. It was accompanied by flashing lights and a loud, booming voice that said, "all individuals inside this castle MUST prepare for battle at ONCE!"

Hm. Something had gone wrong.

This sudden alert had interrupted a very nice stand for General Guy. He hadn't had a stand like this one in weeks. Oh, but he wasn't necessary. Sending out his Shy Guys was a necessary action, so he had no complaints.

Guy walked over to a nearby console and pushed a button. It was the only button. It sent out his Shy Guys for him. Guy slightly enjoyed pushing the button. He wished he could push it again, but it wasn't necessary.

What might be necessary, however, would be for the General to leave his quarters and see just what was going on. So he did.

His quarters were located within the castle's main hallway, so he had to wait a long time, for his Shy Guys and all of the other Troopas to pass through, before he himself could get outside. Guy didn't mind- it was necessary.

When he was finally able to exit, Guy saw Koopa City in chaos. Well, chaos, in a sense. The infrastructure wasn't harmed at all- all the buildings were intact, and there didn't seem to be a single trashed vehicle. But the citizens were all running around aimlessly, in a completely mad panic. They ran about in all directions, randomly bumping into buildings, cars, and each other. They screamed at impossibly loud levels, and they kept climbing things only to jump off of them again immediately afterward.

Well, that was scarcely necessary at all. Guy refused to take part in such nonsense. Instead, he walked over to one of his guardsmen, standing nearby, and asked what was happening.

Well… he _tried _to ask what was happening. But the guardsman - Zeus, his name was – answered the question before it was even asked.

"It's those Mario Brothers, sir!" exclaimed Zeus. "They've come to attack the city! Well not _attack, _exactly, they're not destroying much, but they're here! Stompin' through! And come to think of it, they **did **kill a few people! Soldiers, but you know, they're still dead!"

General Guy tried to stop Zeus- he'd told him all that was necessary. Zeus, unfortunately, didn't notice.

"Do you think soldiers count as kills? I mean they were attacking first! Maybe you could say that the Mario brothers have a totally squeaky-clean record, if soldiers don't count! Ooooh. That wouldn't be good for morale. Maybe it'd be best if soldiers did count as casualties. And ya know, we never have any civilian casualties anyway, since our city never gets attacked. And hey, why do you think the Mario brothers are here? Are they after the Princess? Oh, that wouldn't be good if they got-"

"Stop!" bellowed General Guy, at long last. He jabbed a long finger in between the holes of Zeus' mask. "You ramble! Now, I go!"

Guy stomped off without another unnecessary word. Zeus was left alone, and without anyone to ramble to, he did little else than stand around idle.

Guy surveyed the crazy scene with indignation. 'Look at all these idiots,' he thought, 'stumbling around like little hat-stealing monkeys!' He wasn't about to let his fellow citizens make fools of themselves in public. Once they came to their senses, they'd be all embarrassed, and the city just couldn't have that!

Guy immediately tackled a nearby Koopa, and repeated his usual single-word command: "Stop!" Then he handcuffed them to the ground. He did this again with another Koopa, and another, and another.

He was so focused on his task that he didn't notice the red figure and green figure that suddenly leaped above and over the street he was on.

Everybody else did, though. The citizens momentarily stopped their rampages to gawk in horror, and then freaked out more than ever before. Troopas and Shy Guys alike made a mad scramble for the doors of the castle, only to watch as the Marios jumped straight through them, far ahead of the Troop, apparently hollering as they did.

Guy finally looked up and saw only a giant horde of soldiers crawling all over each other in a frantic attempt to reach the doors. Now? When there are enemies afoot? Disgraceful! He was ashamed of each and every one of them.

'This is hardly the necessary course of action!' thought Guy. It was his last thought for the evening before he was suddenly knocked out by the giant head of a Sledge brand hammer.

"Oops!" said Iggy, the one on the giving end of the accidental attack. "I think I got a Troop leader by mistake."

Spike surveyed General Guy's unconscious body and said, "Eh, it's just one of those Shy Guys. No big deal. He'll wake up. Probably."

Iggy looked around the streets. The citizens were still screaming and tearing about the streets, but there didn't seem to be any Troopas around. "You don't think we're late, do you?"

"No way," said Spike. "I followed the Mario brothers' prints exactly, I'm sure of it. I know for a fact that we got here before them.

Just wait, bro… they'll be showing up very, very soon."

And so, the odd trio – two bloodthirsty identical twins and an the conked out body of a general – stood waiting at the front of Bowser's castle, waiting patiently for the two enemies that were already inside.

It was entirely unnecessary.


	8. Scarlet the Spiny

'OUCH!'

Scarlet the Spiny was awoken from her nice sleep by colliding with a really hard object. And she REALLY woke up a second later, when she slammed into the ground on her tummy.

"Argh! My armor!" said the hard thing that she hit.

Scarlet lay on the ground, jittering angrily. She hated it when Lakitu did this! Normally her master was very nice and treated her and his other spinies with love, but every once in a while, he'd suddenly pull them out from under their cozy spot inside his cloud and throw them at things.

She had no idea why Lakitu would do it. The throwing fits never lasted very long, and in fact, he hadn't had one in a very long while. Everything he threw her at would scream and run away, so it's not like he was trying to find Scarlet some new friends. And she already had enough friends: her fellow spinies!

One such spiny crashed down on the earth directly beside Scarlet. It was Alberto! They bumped noses and spun around, walking away from each other- the standard spiny greeting.

Scarlet finally looked up at her surroundings as she waddled around, spotting Lakitu fighting two identical people, wearing armor and holding big hammers. One of the two had a big dent on the back of his armor.

She didn't get very far before she was suddenly kicked away by a very large foot. She squeaked.

"Stupid little animal!" shouted the foot's body. Scarlet recognized the voice as the same person that she woke up hitting.

Lakitu threw another spiny - oh no, April! - at the person's head; he dodged it. "Don't you talk about my little babies that way!" shouted Lakitu, to Scarlet's pride. "You stole my job, Iggy! The least you could do is respect my pets!"

"I already told ya," Iggy retorted, "Spike and I didn't steal your job! You're the one who lost it! We're just picking up the PIECES!" With that last word, Iggy gave a mighty swing of his massive hammer. Lakitu, thankfully, dodged it. Iggy growled and added, "AND THAT LITTLE TWERP OF YOURS DENTED MY ARMOR!"

Lakitu, Iggy, and Spike kept on shouting and fighting. Scarlet, quite confused and bored, wandered over to another spot, away from the fight. At that spot was a body, lying on the ground. Was he dead? 'Food?'

His eyes opened a little, and he stirred.

'Aw. No food.'

The man suddenly shot up and mumbled, "General Guy reporting! Mm..." He looked up at the battle and stomped off toward it, Scarlet following.

"You! What're you doing?!" Guy bellowed at the combatants. None of them listened. Undeterred, Guy grabbed Lakitu by the shoulders and picked him up, shouting, "What is this?!"

Lakitu started squirming. "Let me go! These two bozos stole the job that was rightfully mine and then when they failed they tried to get another shot! I didn't get another shot!"

"That's bull!" Spike yelled, trying to drown Lakitu out. "Sir, Lakitu here attacked us while we were waiting for the Mario brothers! They're an incredibly important target! And he was discharged, he has no right to try and stop us!"

This was all just more crap that Scarlet didn't understand. Glancing around, she saw that the other spinies were just as bored. Scarlet idly looked up to the sky... Only to see that there was actually something there!

There were two specks, one blue and one purple. As they got closer, Scarlet saw that the specks were people, riding on flying brooms, and wearing purple/blue robes.

"Hammer Brothers! Look out!"the purple speck shouted. "You're in trouble!"

Both brooms carefully dropped to the ground and unloaded their cargo.

One passenger, the only one on either broom not wearing a robe, called out again. "Hammer brothers! Watch out! Lakitu's gonna be... Uh..." At that point, he finally noticed Lakitu, already there and already angry.

"A little late, Koops," Lakitu said with a scowl. "Did my last warning not deter you enough?"

"Oh, it was certainly enraging, don't you worry!" the Koopa in purple cut in. "I think I lost count of how long it took me to dig this fool out! And then he drags me along-"

"Drags YOU along, Kammy?!" interrupted the Koopa in blue. By this point, clearly nobody was ever going to finish a sentence. "You're the one who decided to bring me into this at the last second! Why, I have so many better things to so than-"

Yet another interruption... But this time, from a hammer. Spike's hammer.

"Listen here, chumps," he growled. "My brother and I have a job to do. A real big job. An if any of you want to put a stop to it, you're gonna have to take it up with this thing first."

"Very well," said Kamek, "I didn't quite like you anyway." He took out his scepter and fired a shot from it.

What was already a major rumble devolved into total chaos. Hammers, magic bolts, and spinies flew everywhere . Various sharp objects jammed themselves into clothing, armor and the ground. People were jumping on top of and off of each other. It looked to Scarlet as if they'd completely forgotten about whatever it was they were even fighting over.

The brawl suddenly paused, as quickly as it had began, when the ground began to rumble.

Scarlet wasn't used to the ground shaking. It probably wasn't good. She looked up at Lakitu and all the other people, hoping for some reassurance. They all looked scared, and they were all staring at the same thing.

Scarlet turned to see what it was.

She turned just in time to see Bowser's entire castle crumble to the ground, and to see two red and green figures fly out from it, carrying a girl in a pink dress.

'Well, what a shame,' thought Scarlet, quite relieved to be unharmed. She walked over and nuzzled up to Lakitu. 'Will he put me back in the cloud now?'

Lakitu didn't notice. He was too busy crapping his pants with terror, both figuratively and literally. The same went for Koops, and Kammy, and Guy, and Iggy, and Spike.

The silence lasted for... Lord knows just how long.

It was finally broken by Koops. He simply said, "Oh, no."


	9. The Aftermath

"TEMPORARY SETBACK!" screamed the headline of the _Koopa Kaller_. This particular copy rested on a coffee table, next to a mug full of cold coffee and a bowl of soggy cereal.

The mug, bowl, and table (and the home they were inside) belonged to Iggy Hammer. He sat alone, his eyes endlessly shifting between the bowl, mug, and paper. He hadn't touched any of them.

It'd been a week since the King's prize was swept out from under his eyes. And, for that matter, since a bridge was swept out from under his feet.

The Mario brothers had dropped Bowser into a deep pit of lava, reducing him to a skeleton. This, at least, was indeed a "temporary setback", as Kamek and Kammy were working their brand of Magik to bring him back, along with General Boom Boom and everyone else that was injured or killed. But this work would take months.

Iggy finally got up from the table, leaving his untouched breakfast behind, and entered the kitchen. Spike was there, watching a news broadcast.

"Our temporary general has officially pardoned our old friend Lakitu!" exclaimed one of the Koops brothers. They now wore cracked blue shells and a patch on one eye. "This marks the fifth time this week that a discharged officer has been reinstated..."

In the absence of any actual authority following Boom Boom's defeat, Koops was assigned his old position. Much to the chagrin of the other remaining officials, he would likely hold the post for many months, while the Magikoopas did their work. Koops spent most of his temporary position either napping or re-hiring.

The Koops brothers continued. "Although the princess of the Mushroom Kingdom has been released by the enemy, our defeat is absolutely temporary. The Kingdom will be ours!"

'Yeah, right,' thought Spike. The Mushroom Kingdom was lost. The measly Toads and their damn superheroes had won.

Of course, Bowser would undoubtedly try to invade again once he returned from the dead. But Spike had a feeling that the outcome would be the same, again and again and again.

As for Spike and Iggy, they were sent home utterly dejected. After spending days trying to take down the brothers while being humiliated at every turn, they were thrown out empty-handed while the ones that screwed them over we're rewarded.

Iggy felt like crap. He'd failed a mission for the first time, and the biggest mission he'd ever had, too. He and his brother had gotten no pay for their troubles and no other compensation. Their business was completely, permanently tarnished.

What would even be the point of continuing mercenary work with this job failed? They had plans for that money. They were going to buy Sledge's entire product set for the year. They were going to move to a newer building. They had even considered hiring an employee, before remembering that they would have to pay them.

Clearly, without their fresh load of cash, work was totally pointless. They'd have to close down and live their lives as circus performers. Or something...

Iggy glanced over at Spike. He was laying face down on the floor in a fetal position, as making noises strikingly similar to the sounds of a dying Piranha Plant. Spike was clearly feeling the same way.

Iggy gave a long, sorrowful, dejected sigh, and turned to an old stack of mail. He began aimlessly sifting through it, while mentally wondering which rooftop in the city would be the most fun to jump off of. Jumping off of their HQ wouldn't be very interesting, since he wouldn't have to travel far. Perhaps he could try heading over to the Green Li-

His finger stopped on one particular package.

It was a small, yellow bag, barely noticeable between the pounds of advertising junk. Iggy only saw it because of a very particular symbol on it: the insignia of the Koopa Kingdom.

'No...' thought Iggy. 'It couldn't be'. But the minute he opened the bag, he saw that it was: out came spilling Koopacoin after Koopacoin!

"SPIKE!" Iggy shrieked. He ran into the next room and started violently pounding his brother on the head.

"Aargh! What is it, damn it? I was all good and sad just now!"

Iggy held open the bag, revealing the massive multitude of money within. "THE KING PRE-PAID!"

Spike gaped in awe and immense joy.

The Hammer brothers ran out of their headquarters and into the streets, which were filled to the brim with the sick and mourning. Money! Why, with all this cash from the king they'd inadvertently gotten killed, they could move to a newer building! They could buy Sledge's entire product set for the year! Or they could blow it all on crap! Whatever! They had all they needed or wanted in life now!

Oh, wishes certainly do come true.

THE END


End file.
